Interviews With Anxiety

Today I had an interview with 33 Universal, a media company looking to expand their content in travel, food, entertainment, science, health and other news.

I applied to the Freelance Writer position and had the opportunity to meet with the managing editor today.

The office was located by Wall Street in NYC. I took the LIRR and the subway there.

This morning I had the worst stomach ache in the world because of my anxiety. I always get like that before big interviews. And then I don’t eat because of it or until my stomach chills the freak down!

But I managed to get ready on time and I got out of the house with no problem.

As I sat on the train listening to one of my favorite bands, We Came As Romans and watching cities pass by, I started to get the urge to cry. Not because I was sad but rather because I was happy that I got an interview in something I’m really interested in doing and I was actually going to the interview on my own. I’ve been really emotional since my agoraphobia incident because I wish to do things on my own. The anxiety attack that I had on Wednesday was the clutter of past interview thoughts and things I feel I failed at which prohibits me to live. So today was a good step for me.

I think the interview went very well and I should be expecting to hear from them very soon. It’s always good when the person that is interviewing me isn’t intimidating because if they are then it’s all downhill from there! Or the worst is group interviews for me. I just can’t do them. I would be the happiest if I got the opportunity to work for them, but if I don’t I still came out of the interview feeling optimistic. I always learn something new about company’s and new about myself. Interviews are good practice too.

Well, after the rush of stress that came with the interview was over, I decided to get lost on Wall Street. Really I did! I made rights and lefts and more rights and then I ended up at South Street Seaport.

Took some cool pics with my Nikon. Here’s a few:

Anxiety Is Kicking My Ass

My therapist told me, “anxiety is kicking your ass”. It’s true. It is. But I’m fighting to not let it win.

A lot goes on in my brain. And it needs fixing. According to my therapist I might have agoraphobia.

According to wikipedia, “Agoraphobia (from Greek αγορά, “gathering place“; and φόβος/φοβία, -phobia) is an anxiety disorder characterized by anxiety in situations where the sufferer perceives certain environments as dangerous or uncomfortable, often due to the environment’s vast openness or crowdedness. These situations include, but are not limited to, wide-open spaces, as well as uncontrollable social situations such as the possibility of being met in shopping malls, airports, and on bridges. Agoraphobia is defined within the DSM-IV TR as a subset of panic disorder, involving the fear of incurring a panic attack in those environments.^[1] In the DSM-5, however, Agoraphobia is classified as being separate to panic disorder.^[2] The sufferer may go to great lengths to avoid those situations, in severe cases becoming unable to leave their home or safe haven.

Although mostly thought to be a fear of public places, it is now believed that agoraphobia develops as a complication of panic attacks.^[3] However, there is evidence that the implied one-way causal relationship between spontaneous panic attacks and agoraphobia in DSM-IV may be incorrect.^[4] Onset is usually between ages 20 and 40 years and more common in women.^[5] Approximately 3.2 million, or about 2.2%, of adults in the US between the ages of 18 and 54, suffer from agoraphobia.^[6] Agoraphobia can account for approximately 60% of phobias.^[7] Studies have shown two different age groups at first onset: early to mid twenties, and early thirties”

She came to telling me this because I had anxiety about physically going out to search for a job last week on Wednesday.

My last post was on Wednesday and I talked that day.

If I don’t give myself a second try to go out and job search I’ll never get over it. I’ll never get stronger so I know that it and I deserve a second chance to not get it right, but to rather cease my anxiety.

I cannot let my thoughts overpower me and weaken me in that moment. Its a mind game. I have to speak to myself. I have to calm myself.

Today I took a short break from life. I tend to feel overwhelmed a lot. This weekend was hectic because I had many things planned. Which isn’t to say it was a bad weekend. It was very eventful, but I felt like I needed to just relax because I’m not used to the business.

Friday I hung out with my best friend in Brooklyn. We adventured the streets and I was able to take some pictures.

Saturday I went to a street fair with my parents, I got the chance to see some pretty neat old fashioned cars. Then, I went to Brooklyn again to see a play which provided me with some good laughs.

And on Sunday I went to Photoville by the Brooklyn Bridge! This awesome photography exhibition with many showcases of different peoples works in photojournalism, contemporary photography and other genres. I was completely inspired as a photographer myself. I also saw parts of the Dumbo Art Festival in Dumbo, Brooklyn. Open studios, music, food, dancers and the opportunity for lots of pics! Here are just a few of my weekend: 

Friday Sightings, Brooklyn Art:

Saturday Sightings, Car Show on Long Island:

Sunday Sightings, Manhattan Bridge in Dumbo, Brooklyn:

More Sunday Sightings, Art in Dumbo, Brooklyn:

 

Anxiety & A Life Discovery

It’s been about two months since I’ve last written something.

I’ve always been going through personal stuff, but I never seemed to fully fix them or fully surrender to the problems I had.

I can truly say that in these past two months, I’ve learned a lot about myself. I’ve also learned that not everyone is an asshole. There are nice humble people out there, it just take a while for them to be put in front of you, so it feels. Or maybe g*d knows when he wants to put them in front of you.

I’ve never been much of a religious person, but ever since I’ve been writing to g*d in a personal diary I think he is real. I feel like there is no other explanation.

He understands what I’m going through and I’ve felt the presence of a spirit hugging me, telling me everything is going to be okay. What other signs do I need? Right?

Anyways. When I first started this blog it was to write about my fitness things, my nutrition research and new discoveries, but unfortunately I suffered numerous injuries, failed my personal trainer test, haha! (It’s funny really) and then my life starting going downhill again.

For the past year, no I’m sorry for the past 5 years, I’ve been struggling to create myself. We all know we are in this world to be the best that we can be, to do the things that make us happy and to love and put love into anything that we do.

It’s been hard to create myself because I’ve always been a sort of impulsive decision maker. I now know the way I think is one in which says, “yes I’m going to do it and if it is not what I expected then I’m going to fix it and try to make it work anyway.” And then I find myself depressed and having no control.

I’ve recently discovered this while seeing my therapists for my anxiety and depression.

Was journalism really something I dreamed of doing in high school? No. Was photography something I really dreamed of doing in high school? Yes. Why did I chose journalism over photography? Because I felt that although pictures made me happy it would be hard and expensive to be a photographer meanwhile I enjoyed writing, but I was extremely shy, but maybe writing would bring me more money…I obviously did not research anything or think anything through. I chose what I thought was money over happiness and you should never do that ever. Journalism is a horrible field to get into. I know this now and wish I knew this sooner. My junior year I did want to change my major, but when I was already 3 years through I was stuck and said I’ll just follow through. Could of should of what of’s are not helpful but I can’t help, but think.

What’s important now is that my decisions have affected my journey and while yes I’ve struggled I am becoming better because of it. I’m starting to mature, to be stronger and to be tougher.

I’ve also started to get back to what I love to do. And that’s taking pictures. It seemed like at one point everyone around me started to have dreams and aspirations and I didn’t have a dream yet. I was searching for my dream.

I’m still searching and dreams always change but I’ve fallen in love with wedding photography. Wedding photography has become dreamy for me because its a beautiful thing to be a part of, to capture the happy moments of newly weds. Through my darkest days I never relived my happy moments because they seemed dead to me. Like I would never have anymore happy memories but whenever I look back at the pictures that I’ve taken I feel happy. I can remember the way I felt in every picture that I’ve taken. Every picture has become different stages in my life. And any picture that I am in I can remember the sentiment. I’m sure everyone can. Those are what pictures are for.

I’m an amateur photographer looking to become professional and I’ve been given the opportunity to shine as a photo production assistant.

I’ve never been so happy to wake up everyday since the new job. I’ve never felt so eager to learn. To get to where I am today, I have my therapist to thank, my family for their support, my boyfriend for his support, my best friend Alyson’s support who is like another sister to me and myself for constantly fighting for what I know makes me happy.

Life isn’t picture perfect right now (lol corny photo line) and I know it can never be however I’m starting to live now and that is the best thing you can do for yourself. Continue living no matter how much it hurts the grass is always greener on the other side.