Yoga For Anxiety

9 Sep

I do this thing where I don’t do things that I love doing even though I know they would make me feel better. I don’t write so often anymore and I don’t take pictures like I feel I should. I like to procrastinate. I rather binge watch “That 70 Show” because it makes me laugh. Isn’t laughing good? Isn’t laughing healthy?

What’s not healthy is staying in bed all day until the day I have to work. This has become my life. My anxiety has recently risen and I’ve become depressed again.

I had a recent anxiety episode, too long to tell, but I’m depressed because I’m not happy with my life and with myself. I get in these funks where I cry for days, I sleep for 10 to 11 hours and it’s hard to get back up. And if I do get back up its only for a day or day, my mood levels are never balanced, I feel an ongoing depression. I feel that I might have to take an herbal supplement for that little boost of energy to keep my anxiety at bay to make me think happy thoughts, to need be so negative.

But before I try anything I want to give yoga a chance to heal me within.

My therapist suggested I give yoga a try two weeks ago and I think it was the best suggestion ever because I fell in love, because it made me feel alive, it give me energy but the effects didn’t last so long. I think that maybe I can benefit from a continuous practice. I’ve tried Level 1 Lotus, Vinyasa Flow and Basic class and felt that it was a little advanced for my healing hamstrings. I want to give restorative yoga a try because it is more gentle on my body. So I gave those classes a try and I truly enjoyed them. I did the best I can and gave it all I got but in yoga you’re supposed to listen to your body so when I felt my hamstring give me a little pinch I thought I had to stop what I was doing and forget about yoga because that’s what I do. I exaggerate things! The good news is that there are so many different yoga’s that I can practice something else, like breathing before I try anything else again.

I think yoga is going to become my new thing. I’m already reading “The Complete Idiot’s Guide To Yoga” and wanting to buy all the “OM” symbol necklaces ever, lol. But that’s just me. When I really like something I get passionate about it. I guess that’s a good thing :)P

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Still Finding Myself

28 Jul

It’s this constant question. What am I supposed to be?

This question reoccurs every so often. And recently it has occurred because I have time to think about it again.

I was with my husband for almost a month, with one week and a half break in between and I wasn’t thinking about anything but us because we were on vacation. But as soon as he got on the plane back to where he needed to be for duty I began to think again. Like I always do.

There’s so many things I want to do. And so many things I wish I could do but its all about when the time is right. Like when the time is right I’ll be able to move in with my husband. And when the time is right I’ll be able to get back into the gym. When the time is right maybe I’ll go back to school.

And what about my career? I’m in that weird place where I think I’m trying to change careers but I have no idea whats next and if I’m going to like it.

I love being a nanny but it almost feels temporary because I don’t think I can be a nanny all my life. This is isn’t my passion. I want something more !

I’m tired of this being my life. Two years and I still don’t know anything.
All I know is that I want to be with my husband and start a family. I don’t know anything else.

I’m trying to get back into things that I used to like and that I currently like so I don’t get so impatient about doing things in life. Of course I’m always reevaluating my life but sometimes I’m not. I just let life take me. I just forget until I’m knocked down again. Like when my husband left, I was knocked down because I don’t know when I will see him again. It can be up to 6 months and nobody will ever understand how heartbreaking that is for me. Because everyone who has had to be away from their loved ones deals with it differently. My anxiety and stress rose up so high when he left. I couldn’t get out of bed for two days without crying. I was constantly crying. It sucked so bad.

I start thinking negatively. I internalize him leaving as I’m meant to be alone. Its not that. But this is what I feed myself.

I thought I was done with those thoughts but they often reappear. Making me feel more alone than ever.

I’m at home trying to figure out whats next.

I’m better today than I was a few days ago. So many of my milso friends have reached out to tell me that they know how I’m feeling and that everything is going to be okay. My cousin has texted me numerous times this week to find out how I am doing. I’m grateful for those who care.

Just Doing Life

5 Jun

My anxiety levels have gone down a bit. I no longer work at CVS. I resigned last week because I felt that my health came before my job. I was so unhappy there and it just wasn’t worth the headaches, emotional roller coaster and mood swings it gave me.

I know I’m very fortunate. I live at home with my parents. I don’t pay any bills other then car insurance once a month, and that’s only as of this year that I’ve started. I’m 23 years old and I don’t have a lot of savings but I have been saving in order to someday give myself the things that I feel I deserve. Or at least put money towards those things if I have good credit ! Which I do but I’m still working on building it.

Just thinking about not being at CVS is making me enjoy every moment of today lol. Because usually I would have already been there for 7 hours and still have some hours left.

Today I have watched my new show Revenge and only taken breaks to eat breakfast and lunch lol. Not too productive, but I felt like writing. Writing makes me feel a little more productive.

I think I deserve today’s break. I babysat my girlies yesterday and the day before and they can be a handful. It’s always a great time with them and its also a good time when I get to unwind.

This weekend looks fun. Summer is coming and I need to get outside ! I’m meeting with my best friend tomorrow and we’re going to a festival in Brooklyn on Saturday. 

Hoping that I can keep busy everyday before I meet with my husband again ! 14 days to be exact. Can’t wait for that day, I’ve been longing for it forever ❤

When Feeling Stressed

26 May

I usually curl up in a ball in my bed and scroll down Instagram and though I’m physically relaxed because I’m in bed my mind just goes even crazier looking at other peoples lives !

After this, I usually stop and listen to some music, but it’s usually the sad kind and then I start to cry. When I start to cry I begin to miss my husband even more than I already did. And then somehow I’m not okay. I want a hug, I want to get away, I want someone to talk to, I don’t want to care about anything but I have to care and I always care this is why I’m always stressed and my anxiety level goes high up. I can never stop crying. I’ve gone to work feeling upset and have to take a few minutes for myself in the bathroom because I just can’t face the world. I want a hug. I don’t understand why I have to be treated with such disrespect from several customers at CVS. I’m not supposed to let it get to me because it’s only a reflection of who they are, but my overly sensitive self gets upset every time. And it’s not just that. It’s that how things are run in that store just sucks and it doesn’t make the situation any better. I’m not going to bash CVS because I’m grateful that I am employed. I’ve gone almost 7 months unemployed after graduating from college back in May of 2012 but it honestly just feels like I’m wasting my time. I hate how comfortable I have become. I know I don’t want to be there but I continue to go to work because I don’t want to feel like a loser for resigning and I don’t want to give up until I have found something better. But my mood everytime I go in takes so much out of me by the end of the day. I’m mentally, emotionally and physically exhuasted. I’m there 10 hours sometimes and for what? It feels I am not moving forward. I really do try to stay positive but I can’t seem to see any valuable positivity in it other than I’m saving up little by little so that eventually when I move out to be with my husband I’ll have the opportunity to maybe start something new, buy a laptop, buy new camera lenses or maybe even go back to school.

I know things could be worse and I can get over dramatic about things but it’s just because whenever I feel something I feel it big. I can never take things lightly, I feel it all.

When I’m feeling stressed I usually don’t know what to do. I feel like reading a book is too much work, I feel lazy. I feel like writing will only make me cry more. When I’m feeling stressed I’m feeling miserable. But this one time when I was feeling stressed I decided to watch videos about beauty, about how to take care of your skin and hair, tips on makeup and all those girly things. And I thought to myself maybe its time to start caring a little bit more about how I feel physically, how I feel when I look into the mirror. I started to think about taking care of my body, eating better and looking better. I’ve let myself eat bad fast foods again after having been extremely healthy to the point that I was an unhealthy weight. And I’m not an unhealthy weight now but I just feel like I have no energy after the middle of the day. After lunch time I want to go home and take a nap and that is not good ! And I started to see a lot of blemishes because I wouldn’t take my makeup off afterwork I would brush my teeth and go straight to bed because I’m exhausted. I work long hours it seems all the time.

So recently I’ve started paying more attention to what my body needs and what my self esteem needs. I’ve started to research beauty products that are good for oily, sensitive skin and I’ve been eating my veggies again ! Although I’m not feeling the best I can feel, it has definitely helped me look forward to a few things in life.

Makeup has been a new stress reliever and self esteem booster because I just feel like I’ve accomplished something after I’ve put time and effort to perfect my look for the day. Yeah I’m a perfectionist but I feel so much more happy with myself and the way I look with makeup on. I feel beautiful because I don’t feel beautiful without. Without makeup I can see my stress, the bags under my eyes, the exhaustion that is waking up every morning and having to do the same thing everyday. I need something new and I know that I am the only one that can give myself that something new.

What am I waiting for?

I’ve gotten too comfy.

I want to set a goal. I want to be out of CVS by the end of August. Even better if I’m out of there before then ! I don’t know where I will work next. I just know it has to be somewhere where I can be happier and feel appreciated.

When I’m stressed I do my makeup, I do my nails, I curl my hair, I wash my face and that seems to be working for now.  

I Miss Documenting My Life

25 Apr

I’m back ! Well kind of…

It seems I take vacations from writing publicly because I have horrible time management and basically work has consumed my life.

A lot of changes have happened in my life, including my social anxiety and I’ve documented them on paper ! Maybe I can photocopy them. Hmmm.

Anyways, I want to get back to writing. I really do !

I’m making a plan. And I’ve wrote it down. I want to start a new blog. Less personal, but with a project in mind. One that I can relate to.

I might keep up with this blog or I might just let this be what it was, a way to let it all out, my fears, my insecurities, my goals. I want to create something greater ! And I want to focus on all the things that make me happy. I want to incorporate all that into a project.

I can’t tell you what it is yet, but I just know it will be good for me and hopefully good for anyone who comes across it.

Once the brainstorming is all done, I’ll be sure to post a link !

Until then 🙂 Toodlesss.

Being Productive

24 Jan

I’m so sad I keep forgetting about my little blog :,(

This week has been nothing special. And I haven’t had any anxiety because I haven’t been out much ! The snow storm this week kept me indoors because of my Reynouds :/

I’m sort of just waiting to start work, both babysitting and CVS maybe then I’ll have something interesting to write about.

Well I know I can write about other things, like my past and stuff but I think because I’ve been doing fairly well with my anxiety I don’t want to think about my past. And I think that is okay to do for right now. I think that perhaps giving myself some time to take in all of the present I might be able to bring all my struggles together, to talk about how I made it through. I’m still trying to make it through with my social anxiety, but I can honestly say, my attitude and behavior are very different now.

I think what I’m trying to say is that I’m really proud of myself and that’s a good feeling to walk with everyday 🙂

 

New Year Post

14 Jan

I’ve been missing from word press for a while.

After Colombia I had to regroup my thoughts and pick myself up from I rut I started to get into. Although writing out my thoughts and emotions helps me cope with the stress and sadness I tend to get when I don’t have a job and I’m not looking forward to anything, I just needed some me time to think.

I want to become more dedicated to my blog but it is very difficult to write everyday. I think I’m going to make it a goal this year to write at least once a week for an hour. I think that’s doable.

Life has always been a roller coaster ride for me. And I’m either too too happy at one point or too too sad, I can never be okay with myself which is what I’m trying to work on !

It’s been two months without a job but surprisingly I’ve tried to make the best of it and my free time. I’m always thinking…what’s next?

I have a degree in journalism but I haven’t gotten any worthy opportunities although I’ve applied to many here in New York. It’s a super competitive biz.

I love writing but I always say I need to be more creative, more descriptive to feel good about my writing. And so my bestie gave me an idea the other day for taking creative writing classes since I don’t want to go back to school because I’m super duper broke. I think I would really enjoy those and I’d look forward to writing more too.

Since my last writing job for a health publication I decided that I should get a job that I feel I would be happy at, even if it isn’t journalism.

I don’t like the feeling of wasting my life away, which is what I feel everyday when I’m home just reading a book and not being productive. So I set out to find myself a part-time babysitting job and a part-time retail job.

In two weeks I will be starting both and though it took a while to find and apply I landed the jobs all by myself which I’m super proud of! 🙂

I did have a lot of anxiety going into the interviews but I know that staying in the house isn’t going to help me come out of my little shell.

I’m really anxious to start and nervous too because I don’t like new beginnings, they scare me since I’m such a perfectionist. But I think I’m going to do really well. Actually I know I’m going to do really well because I’ve been through a lot. And now I’m learning to appreciate all the opportunities I am given even more.

I’m also getting married soon ! To the best man on earth   ❤

I know this year will be full of changes and challenges but as long as I’m passionate about learning all will be well