I usually curl up in a ball in my bed and scroll down Instagram and though I’m physically relaxed because I’m in bed my mind just goes even crazier looking at other peoples lives !
After this, I usually stop and listen to some music, but it’s usually the sad kind and then I start to cry. When I start to cry I begin to miss my husband even more than I already did. And then somehow I’m not okay. I want a hug, I want to get away, I want someone to talk to, I don’t want to care about anything but I have to care and I always care this is why I’m always stressed and my anxiety level goes high up. I can never stop crying. I’ve gone to work feeling upset and have to take a few minutes for myself in the bathroom because I just can’t face the world. I want a hug. I don’t understand why I have to be treated with such disrespect from several customers at CVS. I’m not supposed to let it get to me because it’s only a reflection of who they are, but my overly sensitive self gets upset every time. And it’s not just that. It’s that how things are run in that store just sucks and it doesn’t make the situation any better. I’m not going to bash CVS because I’m grateful that I am employed. I’ve gone almost 7 months unemployed after graduating from college back in May of 2012 but it honestly just feels like I’m wasting my time. I hate how comfortable I have become. I know I don’t want to be there but I continue to go to work because I don’t want to feel like a loser for resigning and I don’t want to give up until I have found something better. But my mood everytime I go in takes so much out of me by the end of the day. I’m mentally, emotionally and physically exhuasted. I’m there 10 hours sometimes and for what? It feels I am not moving forward. I really do try to stay positive but I can’t seem to see any valuable positivity in it other than I’m saving up little by little so that eventually when I move out to be with my husband I’ll have the opportunity to maybe start something new, buy a laptop, buy new camera lenses or maybe even go back to school.
I know things could be worse and I can get over dramatic about things but it’s just because whenever I feel something I feel it big. I can never take things lightly, I feel it all.
When I’m feeling stressed I usually don’t know what to do. I feel like reading a book is too much work, I feel lazy. I feel like writing will only make me cry more. When I’m feeling stressed I’m feeling miserable. But this one time when I was feeling stressed I decided to watch videos about beauty, about how to take care of your skin and hair, tips on makeup and all those girly things. And I thought to myself maybe its time to start caring a little bit more about how I feel physically, how I feel when I look into the mirror. I started to think about taking care of my body, eating better and looking better. I’ve let myself eat bad fast foods again after having been extremely healthy to the point that I was an unhealthy weight. And I’m not an unhealthy weight now but I just feel like I have no energy after the middle of the day. After lunch time I want to go home and take a nap and that is not good ! And I started to see a lot of blemishes because I wouldn’t take my makeup off afterwork I would brush my teeth and go straight to bed because I’m exhausted. I work long hours it seems all the time.
So recently I’ve started paying more attention to what my body needs and what my self esteem needs. I’ve started to research beauty products that are good for oily, sensitive skin and I’ve been eating my veggies again ! Although I’m not feeling the best I can feel, it has definitely helped me look forward to a few things in life.
Makeup has been a new stress reliever and self esteem booster because I just feel like I’ve accomplished something after I’ve put time and effort to perfect my look for the day. Yeah I’m a perfectionist but I feel so much more happy with myself and the way I look with makeup on. I feel beautiful because I don’t feel beautiful without. Without makeup I can see my stress, the bags under my eyes, the exhaustion that is waking up every morning and having to do the same thing everyday. I need something new and I know that I am the only one that can give myself that something new.
What am I waiting for?
I’ve gotten too comfy.
I want to set a goal. I want to be out of CVS by the end of August. Even better if I’m out of there before then ! I don’t know where I will work next. I just know it has to be somewhere where I can be happier and feel appreciated.
When I’m stressed I do my makeup, I do my nails, I curl my hair, I wash my face and that seems to be working for now.